First and foremost: FUCK CANCER!
To speak about my experience and say that it is a difficult is an understatement.
But then you would ask: - What experience with cancer? Have you had cancer?
No, I personally did not have cancer however cancer is the type of illness that affects not only the ill but their loved ones, fighting this overwhelming and disturbing battle.
My mother was diagnosed (wrongfully) with brain cancer about two and half years ago. I still remember the day my brother called me to give me the news. I still have nightmares about that day, how sick I felt and thinking that nothing would make this pain go away. Little did I know that things were going to go downhill from there.
The reality of the healthcare is that nothing is certain as us human beings are different from each other and particularly unique in our own way. With that being said, every answer I had from doctors were not certain and even worst, the doctors in Brazil do not tell the exactly state of the patient in front of the ill. Which make matters worst as you never really know the truth.
They can be a bit more honest with the family members (please read: significant other and children) but even though, it is never a clear answer. Doctors are sued day in and day out and that's how they decided to not be so liable for everything, which is understandable if you think logically but when its your mother... being logical is out the window.
Okay, my family and I took the first hit with the first time we heard my mother had cancer. Well, let me paint this picture to better illustrate the imagination.
My mother was like all mothers; a very strong and amazing woman but she was exceptionally invested in her children. In her late twenties she made the decision of excluding herself from each and everyone who was not going to be adding anything valuable to her children's life. Granted, she made some huge mistakes with such decision but I can proudly say that she went above and beyond to raise my brothers and I.
My mother was stuck in a toxic relationship with my father and when I said "stuck" is just for a lack of a better word. I know many women are in the same situation but my mother was blinded by the love she felts for my siblings and I and there was nothing anyone could do or say to change her mind that her children needed a father figure that was present every day of our lives. What a sweet irony now that I think of it because even though my parents were together my father was never present.
I do feel the need to say that my father do love us but he is a strange man and his character is so flawed that is not necessary to say that him there physically most of the time did not make a difference.
I will never forget the day we did not have electricity in our home because my father was somewhere having fun for a week as per usual and we have just chocolate milk and bread and just enough for us, the kids. My mother tried so hard to play it off to tell us she was not hungry but I knew that the truth was covered by her courageous aspect.
Many other sad stories I can tell to describe how brave and courageous my mother was to even raise us but I think by now the picture is well painted.
So, she was the type of person who would never go to the doctor and I mean never. Sometimes she would even avoid taking us kids to the hospital and until this day I do not know why she had this aversion of hospitals. Reading up until this point you can already imagine that she was just another stubborn person who did not like to know about her health and one day just bit her back unexpectedly. Well yes and NO. What else did not help is that she started smoking when she was 12 and for 47 years she did not stop.
Fast forward to the moment the doctor told our family my mother had cancer. We were so confused and could not understand how she could have developed brain cancer. You expect a smoker to have lung cancer but brain cancer?! Was this just bad karma? The reality is that it did not matter much to even think much about it.
My eldest brother Hans, was coming back from Germany and took action and we decided the best option was to get her the best health plan money could provide. For some reason I thought if I could provide her the best medical treatment she would survive this.
She started to lose her speaking skills, writing skills and in a matter of a week she was a completely stranger. She did not talk, write, did not control her bowl movements and the two days prior to her brain surgery she was not even able to walk anymore.
Miracle or whatever some cultures may call this, she had her first brain surgery after one month of us finding out she had cancer and I have to say this is very impressive in a country like Brazil where health care is close to be non existing.
We were so happy after her first surgery, she still could not talk well but she was lucid, walking and alive. The doctors really did an espetacular job and my family's heart and soul was just full of hope and that's when the doctors decided she needed a second brain surgery to remove the rest of the tumor. Like I said, she was somewhat lucid so of course she was against it but she needed it get done and even without agreeing with it she had her second brain surgery.
The doctors were amazed by how quickly she had recovered from her second surgery, even faster than the first one. I will never forget the day I arrive in Brazil right after her second surgery when she did not know I was coming and she was just coming out of ICU. My mother without a doubt was the strongest woman I have ever met but that day when she saw me and she was all tears was one of the most emotional days of my life.
I spent some days in the hospital with her and we had many great conversations and laughs and not too long after we went home but we also had the results from the biopsy and even though that very first doctor was certain it was just a tumor and not cancer - the results showed otherwise.
I could tell that she was afraid when we told her but the overwhelming feeling of happiness and hope after the huge success the second surgery was almost faded that fear completely for us - the kids, but I could see in her eyes she was concerned.
After that she had a couple months of radiotherapy and lots of exams to find the source of her cancer since the biopsy showed that the primary cancer was not from her brain. She spent so much time in and out of hospitals, dealing with insurance approvals and trying to figure out where the primary cancer began and after what it felt like years we found out her primary cancer was bladder cancer but at this point it did not matter because her entire body was dominated by the cancer.
Another surgery to remover her bladder, uterus and to scrape her kidney but not to cure her because that was not possible but to give her a change to live more than one year. The doctor gave the news to my father and when I finally heard the news it was the sadness moment but with a tiny bit of hope since the doctor were so hopeful about her living more than 3 years. My mother in the other hand did not know or decided not to know much about it and even tough she was much afraid of the surgery there she went.
This was suppose to be a surgery to make her more conformable and extend her life a little longer but it did quite the opposite. She was uncomfortable with that external urinary bag and the chemo was so hard for her. She did not eat or drink much and she was losing so much weight. It was destroying her in an extremely fast pace but only the doctor and her knew that because every time I called she looked tired but never complaint, she always told me that her eating was little but she was eating and that she felt better everyday.
At this point she already realized how bad her situation was and my brother and I decided to visit together for a family vacation, which was rather complicate to say at least but when we were there she was happy, she was taking a two week break from chemotherapy so she was eating and she seemed happy to see all her 3 kids together.
She had the most sincere laugh and I am forever grateful for the fact that I was able to make that trip back home because I could see her happiness one more time and laugh with her for the last time. That trip feels like a good bye to me, it feels like she was just waiting to see her kids one more time happy and together before she decided to stop the fight and rest in peace.
Less than two month after the trip she passed. The reality is that she was getting weaker and weaker and the week before the August 12th she was spent in a hospital, half lucid, with tubes helping her breath, eat and go to the bathroom and I honestly think she knew and I knew too, when she entered that hospital she was not walking out of there.
I remember so vividly the Saturday before my mother passed away, I was in my room laying down on my bad with my boyfriend and I whispered to him: "Bryan, I don't think my mother is walking out of that hospital". Very few people knew what I was going through and even the ones who knew like my boyfriend, still to this day do not understand completely the sadness and pain I was feeling the two weeks prior to her death.
Cancer is one the most painful things to watch, it is devastating and you feel powerless. The feelings of a person who is grieving the loss of their mother it is indescribably sad. The word losing my mother still do not make sense to me as the word "losing" gives me the false hope of one day finding it again and I will never find her again. I feel alone and abandoned, I feel like I failed o help her more, I cry a lot at random times and everything reminds me of her ways.
I feel like my grive is not done and will never be fully done because every day I remember some new which puts my heart sad. Even the remote thought of having a child makes me sad because they will never know what an amazing grandmother they have. My mother was the only one who truly knew me, like nobody else. I did not need to tell her my insecurities or problems she just knew and the sensation of a safe space with her is gone. I constantly thing of how young she was (60 years old) and it is weird and sort dark to say but I now thing I might die young as well.
Pain changes your life forever and more often than I would like memories will sneak up on me and roll down my cheeks.
-Andrea Emmel.
To speak about my experience and say that it is a difficult is an understatement.
But then you would ask: - What experience with cancer? Have you had cancer?
No, I personally did not have cancer however cancer is the type of illness that affects not only the ill but their loved ones, fighting this overwhelming and disturbing battle.
My mother was diagnosed (wrongfully) with brain cancer about two and half years ago. I still remember the day my brother called me to give me the news. I still have nightmares about that day, how sick I felt and thinking that nothing would make this pain go away. Little did I know that things were going to go downhill from there.
The reality of the healthcare is that nothing is certain as us human beings are different from each other and particularly unique in our own way. With that being said, every answer I had from doctors were not certain and even worst, the doctors in Brazil do not tell the exactly state of the patient in front of the ill. Which make matters worst as you never really know the truth.
They can be a bit more honest with the family members (please read: significant other and children) but even though, it is never a clear answer. Doctors are sued day in and day out and that's how they decided to not be so liable for everything, which is understandable if you think logically but when its your mother... being logical is out the window.
Okay, my family and I took the first hit with the first time we heard my mother had cancer. Well, let me paint this picture to better illustrate the imagination.
My mother was like all mothers; a very strong and amazing woman but she was exceptionally invested in her children. In her late twenties she made the decision of excluding herself from each and everyone who was not going to be adding anything valuable to her children's life. Granted, she made some huge mistakes with such decision but I can proudly say that she went above and beyond to raise my brothers and I.
My mother was stuck in a toxic relationship with my father and when I said "stuck" is just for a lack of a better word. I know many women are in the same situation but my mother was blinded by the love she felts for my siblings and I and there was nothing anyone could do or say to change her mind that her children needed a father figure that was present every day of our lives. What a sweet irony now that I think of it because even though my parents were together my father was never present.
I do feel the need to say that my father do love us but he is a strange man and his character is so flawed that is not necessary to say that him there physically most of the time did not make a difference.
I will never forget the day we did not have electricity in our home because my father was somewhere having fun for a week as per usual and we have just chocolate milk and bread and just enough for us, the kids. My mother tried so hard to play it off to tell us she was not hungry but I knew that the truth was covered by her courageous aspect.
Many other sad stories I can tell to describe how brave and courageous my mother was to even raise us but I think by now the picture is well painted.
So, she was the type of person who would never go to the doctor and I mean never. Sometimes she would even avoid taking us kids to the hospital and until this day I do not know why she had this aversion of hospitals. Reading up until this point you can already imagine that she was just another stubborn person who did not like to know about her health and one day just bit her back unexpectedly. Well yes and NO. What else did not help is that she started smoking when she was 12 and for 47 years she did not stop.
Fast forward to the moment the doctor told our family my mother had cancer. We were so confused and could not understand how she could have developed brain cancer. You expect a smoker to have lung cancer but brain cancer?! Was this just bad karma? The reality is that it did not matter much to even think much about it.
My eldest brother Hans, was coming back from Germany and took action and we decided the best option was to get her the best health plan money could provide. For some reason I thought if I could provide her the best medical treatment she would survive this.
She started to lose her speaking skills, writing skills and in a matter of a week she was a completely stranger. She did not talk, write, did not control her bowl movements and the two days prior to her brain surgery she was not even able to walk anymore.
Miracle or whatever some cultures may call this, she had her first brain surgery after one month of us finding out she had cancer and I have to say this is very impressive in a country like Brazil where health care is close to be non existing.
We were so happy after her first surgery, she still could not talk well but she was lucid, walking and alive. The doctors really did an espetacular job and my family's heart and soul was just full of hope and that's when the doctors decided she needed a second brain surgery to remove the rest of the tumor. Like I said, she was somewhat lucid so of course she was against it but she needed it get done and even without agreeing with it she had her second brain surgery.
The doctors were amazed by how quickly she had recovered from her second surgery, even faster than the first one. I will never forget the day I arrive in Brazil right after her second surgery when she did not know I was coming and she was just coming out of ICU. My mother without a doubt was the strongest woman I have ever met but that day when she saw me and she was all tears was one of the most emotional days of my life.
I spent some days in the hospital with her and we had many great conversations and laughs and not too long after we went home but we also had the results from the biopsy and even though that very first doctor was certain it was just a tumor and not cancer - the results showed otherwise.
I could tell that she was afraid when we told her but the overwhelming feeling of happiness and hope after the huge success the second surgery was almost faded that fear completely for us - the kids, but I could see in her eyes she was concerned.
After that she had a couple months of radiotherapy and lots of exams to find the source of her cancer since the biopsy showed that the primary cancer was not from her brain. She spent so much time in and out of hospitals, dealing with insurance approvals and trying to figure out where the primary cancer began and after what it felt like years we found out her primary cancer was bladder cancer but at this point it did not matter because her entire body was dominated by the cancer.
Another surgery to remover her bladder, uterus and to scrape her kidney but not to cure her because that was not possible but to give her a change to live more than one year. The doctor gave the news to my father and when I finally heard the news it was the sadness moment but with a tiny bit of hope since the doctor were so hopeful about her living more than 3 years. My mother in the other hand did not know or decided not to know much about it and even tough she was much afraid of the surgery there she went.
This was suppose to be a surgery to make her more conformable and extend her life a little longer but it did quite the opposite. She was uncomfortable with that external urinary bag and the chemo was so hard for her. She did not eat or drink much and she was losing so much weight. It was destroying her in an extremely fast pace but only the doctor and her knew that because every time I called she looked tired but never complaint, she always told me that her eating was little but she was eating and that she felt better everyday.
At this point she already realized how bad her situation was and my brother and I decided to visit together for a family vacation, which was rather complicate to say at least but when we were there she was happy, she was taking a two week break from chemotherapy so she was eating and she seemed happy to see all her 3 kids together.
She had the most sincere laugh and I am forever grateful for the fact that I was able to make that trip back home because I could see her happiness one more time and laugh with her for the last time. That trip feels like a good bye to me, it feels like she was just waiting to see her kids one more time happy and together before she decided to stop the fight and rest in peace.
Less than two month after the trip she passed. The reality is that she was getting weaker and weaker and the week before the August 12th she was spent in a hospital, half lucid, with tubes helping her breath, eat and go to the bathroom and I honestly think she knew and I knew too, when she entered that hospital she was not walking out of there.
I remember so vividly the Saturday before my mother passed away, I was in my room laying down on my bad with my boyfriend and I whispered to him: "Bryan, I don't think my mother is walking out of that hospital". Very few people knew what I was going through and even the ones who knew like my boyfriend, still to this day do not understand completely the sadness and pain I was feeling the two weeks prior to her death.
Cancer is one the most painful things to watch, it is devastating and you feel powerless. The feelings of a person who is grieving the loss of their mother it is indescribably sad. The word losing my mother still do not make sense to me as the word "losing" gives me the false hope of one day finding it again and I will never find her again. I feel alone and abandoned, I feel like I failed o help her more, I cry a lot at random times and everything reminds me of her ways.
I feel like my grive is not done and will never be fully done because every day I remember some new which puts my heart sad. Even the remote thought of having a child makes me sad because they will never know what an amazing grandmother they have. My mother was the only one who truly knew me, like nobody else. I did not need to tell her my insecurities or problems she just knew and the sensation of a safe space with her is gone. I constantly thing of how young she was (60 years old) and it is weird and sort dark to say but I now thing I might die young as well.
Pain changes your life forever and more often than I would like memories will sneak up on me and roll down my cheeks.
-Andrea Emmel.
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